"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." - Les Dawson.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde.

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." - Henry Youngman.

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important." - Bobby Robson.

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." - Oscar Wilde

"I have nothing to declare except my genius." - Oscar Wilde

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - WC Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx.